Category Archives: Infomercial Smackdown
The Subtle-butt. For when you just don’t care anymore.
So there’s been this rash of completely asinine “inventions” that have recently come about, the main intent of which is to “neutralize,” “camouflage,” and bling-out bodily functions/parts, and, while I rail them incessantly for their inane fecklessness, there have to be … Continue reading
Filed under "Vogue" is my Bible, Infomercial Smackdown
Better Marriage Blanket? I think I’ll remain single.
Hey, all of you marrieds (only) out there! Has mattress-thundering, vomit-inducing, nasal-passage-raping flatulence got you, and the person contractually bound to remain inextricably linked to you until one of you sluffs off your mortal coil, down? No worries. Rest your … Continue reading
Filed under Infomercial Smackdown
The Snuggie and Vajazzling now have arch-enemies. Let WWIII commence.
Jeez, I am so glad someone out there is really thinking about my fashion needs. What would I possibly ever do without these marvels of modern invention that are positively redefining the way I go about my very existence? Surely, … Continue reading
Filed under "Vogue" is my Bible, Infomercial Smackdown
Sex, the city, Comm theory, (different) butt panties, and a friggin’ cleft shield.
I’ve always been a fan of Sex and the City. From the days of watching with Sara on our pirated cable during college, margaritas in hand as the warm breeze of early summer days wafted through the screen door of … Continue reading
Brazilian butt-panties have nothing on my ass.
I prefer to think that I have a nice butt. It’s round. It’s high. It’s tight. People have pondered if I, in fact, actually have some African-American roots somewhere in the gene pool. (Although, seriously, with the blond hair and gray … Continue reading
Filed under "Vogue" is my Bible, Infomercial Smackdown
Muscles and oral sex. It’s a two-fer.
Hey ladies! Want to tone your biceps, firm your triceps, and get those long, lean, breadstick arms of celebutante-starfucks who want to look skinny, but not (ugh! how gauche!) muscular?! Well, I have your answer. Just simulate fellatio with the … Continue reading
Validation, in commercial form, for triflin’ hoes…
A spell back, I blogged about my experience with Cash4Gold, a company that sucks to the very depths of utter suckiness. In short, I got the ring I originally sent them back and hawked it at my friendly, neighborhood pawn shop, where … Continue reading
Oh, how far we have fallen…
There are certain moments along this roller-coaster we call Life when we must stop and ponder the often-circuitous way things seem to manifest. Karma? Simple coincidence? One of the plethora of higher powers to which one may bow? Virginal sacrifice? It’s … Continue reading
Filed under Infomercial Smackdown
Euphamisms on ‘roids. Feminism to falter…
Paris Hilton; Bratz dolls; Brazilian waxes so intense and all-consuming that they would have made Dolores Haze blush: things I would expertly argue are contributing to the downfall of modern feminism. And now?! Emmer-effing Flirty Girl Fitness. Excuse me while I retch. … Continue reading
Cash4Gold? Cash for chumps.
I was recently doing a little spring cleaning in the vain hope that the sun will recognize that it is officially not winter and send some damn rays our way. And anyone who knows me also knows that I’m anally retentive about cleaning … Continue reading
Filed under Infomercial Smackdown
